…and you’ll get something like today’s opinion in Commonwealth v. Harrington, which came down in favor of the Commonwealth today to the surprise of exactly no one.

I happened to be in the Appeals Court the morning that they took up this unusually amusing case. Here are just a couple of instructive excerpts taken verbatim from my notebook:

JUSTICE GREEN (within first minute of argument): “I don’t know why this case is here.”

JUSTICE BROWN (waving his arms around umpire-style): “The Commonwealth wins on all five issues here. All five! That’s called a shutout. The Commonwealth has nailed it.”

It’s not often that appellate judges tell you exactly how they’re going to dispose of a case during the course of oral arguments, let alone within the first sixty seconds. Usually cases in which the outcome will be so obvious are relegated to the purgatory of the appropriately-named “non-argument list,” and the parties never have a chance to show up to explain themselves before an opinion issues. Having actually seen this one for myself, however, I have to suspect that the Court only put it on the calendar for the same reason that Steven Hawking might want to keep a book of easy Soduku puzzles handy on the coffee table: It’s just good, clean, mindless fun.

As an appeal, Harrington had only one reason to live: a District Court judge with a grudge against the current state of the Commonwealth’s ridiculous disorderly conduct statute which dates back to his time as a Massachusetts state representative.¹

In the course of a totally routine disorderly conduct case, the judge took it upon himself to try to convince the Court of Appeals that it should hold the current interpretation of the statute² unconstitutional and strictly limit the law to its face.

Harrington came to the Court not as a direct appeal but via something which, the Court snidely notes, “ostensibly” took the form of a “reported question” under Mass.R.Crim.Pro 34. (This is a fun-but-rarely-used vehicle by which trial courts may send up questions of law which are “so important or doubtful” as to require resolution by the Appeals Court before proceeding to trial.) But the Court is not even convinced that there is a “question” in Harrington at all, and they’ve certainly got a point.

Three of them, actually:

1) The District Court was asking the Appeals Court to overrule the Supreme Judicial Court. This not only directly violated Robert Heinlein’s familiar proscription against teaching pigs to sing³, but may in fact have actually been more pointless than that.⁴

It’s just Not How Things Are Done, is what I’m trying to say. Lower appellate courts can’t overrule higher ones; they just can’t, no more than a lowly squaddie may draw up detailed battle plans, a state governor set federal immigration policy, or an older sibling overrule a curfew set by the head of the household. Even the courts have a chain of command, and it has to be followed just as strictly as any other.

2) The Appeals Court has not seen the inside of a college dorm room for many, many years. To my knowledge, none of them own beanbag chairs, hackeysacks, or drug rugs, and they certainly do not want to sit up late with you for academic bull sessions while drinking Jolt Cola and listening to John Zorn records. If they are going to strike down a statute⁵, they’re going to have to have an actual appeal based upon an actual start-to-finish case in front of them to hang their actual decision on. They’ve already got more than enough actual appeals from actual cases to deal with, thank you very much, and they just don’t have time for your what-ifs.

3) The legislature has amended this statute twice since the Commonwealth’s highest court handed down Alegeta, and the law generally presumes the Great and General Court are all total SJC fanboys/girls who spend their weekends updating their pocket parts. If our elected representatives had believed that there was something wrong with the way that our unelected judicial gatekeepers had interpreted the statute, either of those amendments could have done something about this. But they didn’t.

1. I totally agree on this, but I’ve already hated on this statute more than once in this space and I’ll try to restrain myself now. [↩]
2. Following the SJC’s opinion in Alegata v. Commonwealth, 353 Mass. 287 [1967], this law now officially includes a definition of “disorderly” which is found nowhere in the statute [↩]
3. ”…it wastes your time and annoys the pig.” [↩]
4. Maybe I’ve just read Charlotte’s Web one too many times, but I have to believe that there might be a particularly talented, irresistably anthropromorphic, pig out there somewhere who could actually be taught to sing. [↩]
5. Which, on balance, they probably won’t anyway [↩]

Matt Cameron